Porgy and Mudhead in High School Madness

from Don't Crush the Dwarf Hand Me the Pliers
by The Firesign Theater

Announcer 1: This is U.T.V. - for you, the viewer

Announcer 2: The Howl of the Wolf movie

Woo.. Woo... Wooooof

Announcer 2: Presenting honest stories of working people as told by rich Hollywood 
stars

Woo.. Woo... Wooooof

Announcer 3: This morning's wacky feature - Porgy and Mudhead in High School 
Madness with Dave Casman as Porgy and Joe Bergman as Mudhead

SONG: 
   Porgy Tirebiter!
   He's a spy and a girl delighter,
   Orgie Firefighter!
   He's just a student like you.

   If you're looking for a Captain of the Ringball Team,
   You can bet he won't be there.
   You'll find him pa-popping off at Pop's Sodium Shoppe,
   Tr-trailing a red, with red hair.
   Doobie doo-wah...
   Porgy Tirebiter!
   Just a student like you!

Porgy: Like me?!

   Just a student like you!

Father: Stop singing and finish your homework!

   Just a student like you! ooooooooooo...

Mother: Adolf come and get it! Your clamcakes are getting damp.

Father: 10 - 4 Eleanor

[Door Slam and Footsteps]

Father: Whew! Defoliating a victory garden certainly works up an appetite.

Mother: You sit down, father, and dig right in.

Father: That's right! This afternoon I'll be able to start digging the pit. 
If I can get any work out of that boy of yours I can have the bunker finished by 
election day. Where is Porgy anyway?

Mother: He's up in his room, helping Porcelin make the bed.

Porcelin: Oh Porgy, Oh my, oh my, oh my!

Mother: Porgy... Porgy Tirebiter!

Porgy: Co.. eh... Coming mother!

Mother: He's so good with the servants, Fred.

Father: Stop calling me Fred. My name's Adolph.

[Footsteps]

Porgy: Bombs away, Dad. Morning, Mom.

Mother: Morning, son.

Porgy: Oh, hot dog! Groat cakes again. Heavy on the 30 weight, Mom.

Father: Don't, don't eat with your hand, son. Use your entrenching tool.

Porgy: Ah, Gee, Dad. I'm just trying to save time. It isn't everyday a guy
graduates from high school.

Father: Ha ha ha! How many times have I heard that before...

Mother: Well you boys fight it out among yourselves.

Father: Ok mother!

[Sounds of a Fist Fight]

Mother: Oh, my, my look at the time - I've got to dress for my bridge club.

Porgy: Gee, Mom. Isn't that bridge built yet?

Father: No son, Uh! and it won't be until free hands on both sides of the big
ditch can press the same button at the same time.

Porgy: Ok, Dad, I give! Oh, boy! Can I eat my breakfast now?

Father: Only if you stay out of trouble, boy. Your shennanigans can cost me 
this election.

Porgy: Oh, come on Dad. No Irishman can stop you from getting to be [garbled]
doggonner this time. You're a natural.

Father: Don't wolf your food.

[Car Horn Honking]

Porgy: Oh, Oh, there's Mudhead. Graduation here I come! So long, Dad! Keep 
'em flying.

[Footsteps - Door Slams]

Father: Oh, that son of mine.

Mother: He's not your son, Fred.

Father: Stop torturing me, Ethel.

[Car Engine]

Porgy: Come on, step on it, Mudhead.

Mudhead: Oh, I'd love to Porgy, but I got my two tones to the floor boards
all ready.

Porgy: Well, Ok, then we could take the shortcut through Frogtown.

Mudhead: Aw reet! We could stop off at Pop's and dig some jugs.

Porgy: Some what?

Mudhead: Oh, that Louise Wong's got a balcony you could do Shakespeare from.

Porgy: Oh, not now, Mudhead! They need me at the last meeting of the 
philatelist's club.

Mudhead: I didn't know you masturbated.

Porgy: Aw creepies, Mudhead! Where's your school spirit?

Mudhead: It's in the rumble seat - Ya want a snort?

Porgy: Oh, very funny.

Mudhead: Sure is.

Porgy: Gee! Everybody at Morse Science High has an extra-ciricular activity
but you.

Mudhead: Well doesn't Louise count?

Porgy: Only to 10, Mudhead - You know that's just it...

Mudhead: Just what?

Porgy: Well, we're the leaders of tomorrow.

Mudhead: Yeah, but it's today.

Porgy: Well, yeah, but what are you gonna do tomorrow - after we graduate?

Mudhead: Oh, well. I thought I'd go out and find a bunch of guys who dress
alike and follow 'em around.

Porgy: What?

Mudhead: Or I could go out and pick up a couple of girls.

Porgy: Oh, is that all you think about? Picking up things.

Mudhead: Yeah!

Porgy: Golly, Mudhead. Don't you remember what Principal Poop put down at the
Pep rally yesterday?

Mudhead: Principal who?

[Pep Rally Sounds]

Crowd: P - E - P - Pep pills! Pep pills! Pep pills! Pep pills! Pep pills!

[Tapping on Microphone]

Principal Poop: Is this on? Thank you fellow kids. In addressing for the 
assembly this morning...

Heckler: Fuck you!

Principal Poop: Thank you. I'm recalling the words of the foundry... founder
of Morse Science High School, "You kipe the heap... who press the first bricks 
with his own hands..."

Heckler: Who cares!

Principal Poop: "Knowledge for the pupil... people", he said. "Give them a
light and they'll follow it anywhere." We think that is a fair and a wise guy 
who'll rule to be guided by...

Heckler: What is reality?

Principal Poop: And we're not afraid of it, are we?

Heckler: Eat it!

Principal Poop: You bet!

Heckler: Eat it Raw!

Principal Poop: Rah, rah rah! That's the spirits we have here - ok? - So come 
on kids...

Heckler: Fuck you!

Principal Poop: Line up. Sign up. And re-enlist today. Because we need more 
schooling, for more students, for Morse Science High.

Heckler: Boo!

Principal Poop: Thank you. 

Heckler: Boo!

Principal Poop: Fuck you, too!

[Car Engine]

Porgy: So you see, Mudhead, it's like the pooper said with counter subversive 
educational priorities the way they are, well, it really helps our side to 
re-enlist.

Mudhead: Is that what you're gonna do?

Porgy: Aw, hell no! Right after I graduate I'm going to cut the soles off my
shoes, sit in a tree, and learn to play the flute.

Mudhead: Hey, look Porgy!

[Brakes]

Porgy: Watch it!

Mudhead: Where are you gonna graduate from?

Porgy: Holy Mudhead, Mackeral! Morse Scince High -- it's disappeared!

[Dum Dum Da Dum]

Technichian:  ... Peter you seem to lose the ....

[Banging]

Announcer 3: ical difficulties are preventing the continuation of tonight's 
Foxhole Feature High School Madness. We are working on the problem...

Commercial Voice Over: Shoes for industry. Shoes for the dead. Shoes for industry

Joe Beets Hi, I'm Joe Beets! Hey, what chance does a returning deceased war 
veteran have for that good paying job, more sugar, and the free mule you've been 
dreaming of. Well, think it over, then take off your shoes. Now you can see how 
increased spending opportunities means harder work for everyone and more of it 
too. So do your part today, Joe. Join with millions of your neighbors and turn in 
your shoes.

Commercial Voice Over: For industry! 

Mudhead: Jumpin' Ju Ju Bees, Porgy. It looks like a wasteland. There's nothing 
left but the flagpole.

Porgy: I don't know what to say, Mudhead, I...

Bottles: Hey, hey hi, Mudhead.

Mudhead: Oh, hi Bottles.

Bottles: I know who did this. It was those bullies at Communist Martyrs High
School, that's who.

Porgy: Oh, come on, Bottles. We don't know who did it yet.

Bottles: Oh, I have a very good idea, uhm..

El Dorado: Oh, Porgy, Porgy, you're a white man. You've got to help us. What, 
what, what do you think... what do you think we oughta...

Student : Speak English, El Dorado.

El Dorado: what do you think we should do? 

Student : Yeah, what do you think, Porgy?

Porgy: Well, I don't think we oughta jump to any conclusions or take any...

Student 2: Hey, Porgy! Hey, Porgy! Principal Poop's on the radio. Turn the car 
radio. Poop's on.

Porgy: Ok, well, gather round kids and stay on camera. We'll all listen together.

Principal Poop: All of us want to know... just as much as I want to know who's 
responsible...

Bottles: Communist Martyrs High School, that's who's res...

Porgy: Shhh, Shhh

Principal Poop: and until we do I must make my dirty cl... duty clean... clear 
and announce the suspendering of the upcoming graduating exercises.

Porgy: Oh no!

Principal Poop: which can not... and will... which aren't taking place.

Porgy: I'm never gonna get out of here!

Principal Poop: But don't worry! Don't worry! Your food, housing, insecurity, 
will be guaranteed by the Department of Redundancy Department and the Natural 
Guard.

Mudhead: Hey, there gonna surround us!

Principal Poop: And remember trust pressers will be persecuted. So please, stay 
where you are, don't move, and don't panic! Don't take off your shoes. Jobs is on 
the way.

Porgy: Golly!

Principal Poop: Thank you!

El Dorado: Wow, that's the darndest thing I ever...

Principal Poop: Now here's a record I think you'll really dig.

Porgy: Hold it! Hey! Hold it down, kids. Don't get excited.

El Dorado: Who's excited?

Porgy: Now the only way we're gonna get the school back is us. I've got a really 
swell ide...

Announcer: I'm sorry we have lost the picture portion of our pictmission - How... 
however we will continue with the sou...

[Click]